I am excited to share the opening portions of Breathe with you. Let me know how you like it. Russ
PROBLEM
I am awake and I cannot breathe.My mind is telling my body to breathe; I can feel my vocal cords trying toseparate so that I can breathe. I can feel my throat trying to pull open sothat I can breathe. I can feel my lungs straining and my ribcage and themuscles around them pulling, pulling, pulling. Come on, breathe!
I could not breathe. It soundsso simple, the brain tells the vocal cords to pull open so you can breathe.Diaphragm pulls down so you can breathe. But I could not breathe. Panic. Whatdo I do?
Remember your training, I tellmyself. The doctor said that you can pass out and when you pass out your throatwill relax and you’ll be able to breathe. It sounds so simple. Remember, theysaid sit down so you don’t fall and hurt yourself, and prepare to pass out.Sounds good on paper, but in reality, it’s a whole other challenge. You see, rationallyI can keep myself calm for about two and a half minute, maybe a little longer.I can stay calm. After that the body, the desire to live, this incrediblemachine, this organism that is us, the will to live that is within us, takesover – quicker breaths, stronger muscle contractions. The pull is so strong Ithink my voice, my larynx, is going to collapse. My airway, my throat, is goingto implode from the desire and from the body pulling, pulling open, and tryingto breathe. What do I do?
I miss my family.
Where am I? That’s right, NewOrleans, in a hotel off the West Bank Expressway. What do I do? I could call911 from my cell phone. They could find the hotel using GPS, but they can’tfind my room. I can’t speak so I can’t tell them the room number. What else canI do? I can’t call the front desk – same problem. I can’t breathe, I can’tspeak. They probably would think I knocked the phone over in my sleep or maybe they’dthink I had too much to drink. Either way, I know they’re not going to payattention. So, no help from the hotel, and emergency responders won’t be ableto find me. I had better sit down. “Stay calm,” I tell myself. “You have alwayscome out of this in the past.” Panic.My rational brain says stay calm, but my body and my desire to live, to breathe,says inhale.
Pain, burning pain, killer,burning pain. I am sitting down by my bed so if I pass out I won’t fall to thefloor. I try to spit so there’s nothing in my mouth. That way, if the vocalcords do open after I pass out, nothing will block them. I place some pillowson either side of me to help me stay sitting. If there’s drainage, I want it togo in the right direction. I don’t want to lie down and have my tongue or otherthings block that potential opening. It’s getting dark, dark all around me.Panic. The fear is rising. I know my eyes are huge. This must be what it’s liketo die alone in a hotel room. I had always read about those guys; I neverthought I would be that guy. Fire in my chest. My body is taking over. Panichas set in and I will do anything to breathe. I’m not thinking rationallyanymore. This is it.
And then, suddenly, a pinholeopening, nothing more than a pinhole but air is coming in. I can barely exhale,just the tiniest amount of air, but it felt like a wind tunnel. Another minute,the pinhole opening has turned into a pencil-tip opening and in my world that’san order of magnitude beyond description – exponentially large. Finally, the openingin my throat is the size of that straw used to stir coffee.
I can breathe, I can breathe, Ican breathe. I try to stand up, but I can’t. I’m shaking. I’m sweating. I can’tfunction. I can’t call my wife. But maybe that’s O.K. I don’t want to scare herin the middle of the night. “I’ll just sit here for a while,” I think tomyself. And there I sat for several hours, grateful to be alive, grateful tobreathe.
I had NO Idea people deal with this.
ReplyDeleteI know people have respiratory issues that experience the feeling that they can't breath and are going to die but I have never heard of this condition.
I thought your writing was very compelling and your story is something that should definitely be shared.
Many times people keep their life experiences to themselves for different reasons.
I was one of them. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me or think that I just wanted attention.
But last year I decided that needed to stop.
The reason being that I have gained so much strength from others that deal with the same issues as I that I decided maybe I needed to share because it may help someone.
I am still very self conscious about sharing because I worry about the judgements people make. (I am not naive enough to think I am not being judged in some way by others. And I know I am because of some comments others have made to me)
But It turns out that I sharing my story has been helpful to some and so I feel like it is worth the effort and worth the unkind things some people have said.
I really look forward to the next chapter.
Gr8Life ,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I never told my story. I didn't know if it was worth telling. I am also a cancer survivor (root of all of my health problems) and I had survivor's guilt. I fought through stage 4-D lung cancer. I shouldn't have survived. I didn't know if I had the right to tell my story especially to people who lost loved ones to cancer. Then I had a talk with my father. He worked for the federal government and travelled a lot to speak at different conferences regarding policy, procedure, etc. He told me that people liked his business presentations but that they lived for the moments where he told our story (it really belongs to him, my mother and me). He told me how it elevated individuals in one on one conversations and that it could lift a large group of hundreds of people.
So I started awkwardly just seven years ago. It was hard to tell. It was uncomfortable. I was self conscious too. But every now and then I knew that I helped someone. More often than that it seems that someone gave me strength and encouragement. Now I can help a lot of people. I teach a class for survivors called Finding Meaning and Purpose in Cancer. I have a lot of people that help me and I have decided that we are all better together.
When speaking to cancer survivors I know that there are some who will not be on this earth much longer. My talks are about the love of life and living passionately. That used to bother me until a survivor with not much time left told me how powerfully my words touched him. He helped me realize that my contribution was important and that it helped him live each day with passion and anticipation. Every day matters. A lot!
I just posted another excerpt from Breathe. I will post more once or twice a week. I will also address survivorship issues.
My responses are usually much shorter but your comment moved me deeply. You are on the right path! Keep sharing. You never know who is listening carefully. I look forward to exploring your blogs. Make your day GREAT!
Your Dad was so right!
ReplyDeleteI know when I am in a group and people are talking about trival things it's easy to tune them out. But when they start talking about something that happened to them or telling something personal I start listing again. Personal stories are so powerful especially when they are used to help others. I am glad that you have found a way to use this huge trial that you have lived with for so long so bless others rather than just be angry and bitter that you have had this trial for SO LONG!
There nothing awkard about the way you write. It is very clear and easy to visualize because of how you write.
I am sorry that you have had to struggle for so long with cancer and now also Laryngospasms.
But I am glad for the good that you choose to do to help others as you continue to struggle with it.
I look forward to hearing the rest of the story.
"The power of story is never stronger than when it lives on the breath of those from whom it came"
~ Gayle Ross, Cherokee storyteller.