Excerpt #2: Breathe

THE LARYNGOSPASM

That attack, my inability to breath, is called a laryngospasm. The condition results from paralyzed vocal cords. Most paralyzed vocal cords freeze open, sticking to the sides of the airway. Mine paralyzed together with about a millimeter of space between the two. When an irritant like perfume, or something like drainage from congestion, or an aerosol or smoke gets in the air, it’s enough to aggravate the vocal cords and they spasm. If you’ve ever had water go down "the wrong pipe", you‘ve experienced a laryngospasm. When you cough or fight for air, you force them back apart and they move enough that you can get a breath. In my case, with the chords paralyzed so close together, they don’t move apart. My right vocal cord is paralyzed in the center of my throat but my left moves one millimeter. It rests in the center and moves open when I inhale. Given the paralysis, the laryngospasm is a life-threatening condition.

In the fall of 2007 I was meeting with my oncologist for my annual checkup and we found a mass in my throat. We thought that perhaps my cancer had come back and after some testing, some feeling, and some examination, we found out that it was an enlarged thyroid. It had been growing in my throat for 20 years following my radiation treatments for my first bout with cancer in 1987. Apparently, thyroids don’t like radiation. But instead of growing a goiter and having it grow out of my neck and throat, it had grown down into my chest and it was pushing on my heart and causing a lot of problems.

We didn’t do a biopsy, we didn’t do a needle aspiration; we just went straight to surgery because we all thought it was going to be cancer and that the growth needed to come out. In our rush to get it out, we had some challenges. On February 12^th 2008, my life changed forever. The surgery went well, we thought at the time. I was healthy enough and endured the procedure well. But because of the way the thyroid had grown in my throat, we had complications. The surgery was messy and the thyroid was hard to get out. When the doctors went in to remove my thyroid, they nicked or cut the nerve to each vocal cord, which caused the paralysis. It caused my voice to go high and it left me perilously susceptible to laryngospasms. My life since the surgery has been dominated by these conditions. We all had great intent, we all wanted nothing but the best outcome, but it wasn’t to be. I couldn’t breathe.